so when it comes to our approach to Crucial Conversations and what we do in the moment it pays to pay attention to our behavior how do we react how do we respond do we clam up and go into silence or do we choose more aggressive strategies and become controlling and also to think about how others return the favor to us certainly how they going to silence and violence we want to think about what are the choices that we make in the moment and so we just spend a fair bit of time looking at motives of dialogue checking with the heart what do I really want to achieve from this conversation and what we want to do is marry that or sync that with what's going on in our head without thinking if they're out of sync we're not likely to achieve the results that we care most about things like for example the project you're working on the relationship you're working with new director new employee or marriage neighbor issues community issues whatever it may be that you're working on and so to help us understand this framework I'm going to introduce you to what we call the path to action so let's have a look at it here we have a saying at the top that our stories create our emotion and we create our stories our stories create our emotion we are the storytellers what does that mean so there are four steps to this framework and this will help us better understand what happens to us why do we do what we do during a crucial conversation and why do others do the same and so the first thing that happens is that we usually take in information through our eyes believe it or not 80% of our daily information is taken through the eyes it's a bit scary because what those days that you're looking for your house keys and can't find it it's right in front of you so our brain really tricks us and so we see and we hear throughout the day everyone's actions towards us we see that email that was cc'd to someone that shouldn't have been cc'd we find out the BCC of that email that shouldn't have been bcc'd we hear someone's comment that affects us or we see a behavior water cooler discussion and go wow we also hear people's comments and the next step that happens naturally and biologically is a brain tells a story about what we just saw so it does that to make sense of what just happened and he tells a story it has its own perception and after that being biological beings we are bound to feel and so our veins get populated with a sense of feeling about the story we just told ourselves about what just happened and off we go into action and if we're not careful and if we're not in dialog we could either clam up or we go at it and before you know it we are down the hill in that conversation and so a big part of this process involves our understanding and awareness that wow that's actually what's going on whilst I'm sitting there I mean that conversation I'm thinking about what to say next I'm also paying attention to that person and all of this is happening within seconds give you an example years ago in the corporate life I was working as part of a regional sales team very successful experienced great team and we were very autonomous and we loved being autonomous well our leader left and we got an interim manager she was more of a manager than a leader what happens is she started coming up to us three or four times a day wanting to check every proposal that went out even at its primary stage first stage as you're writing it up the phone calls we had with internal departments and just our daily affairs and there was no set up about this she had no context around it for us she hadn't debriefed us said hey we're gonna start from the beginning she just came up and deep these things so the colorful stories that we began to tell ourselves instantly with things like what's going on she doesn't trust me she doesn't think I'm competent enough she doesn't know how experienced we are and she's basically micromanaging me anyone familiar with that term anyone ever experienced it and so the feelings from that a story weren't so grand the feelings I was personally going through frustration with her bitter hurt unacknowledged unappreciated and my action I went into avoidance I avoided her I didn't contribute in our meetings as such and that behavior went on for a while and the one thing I want to introduce after the action is the result that you end up getting and so it wasn't fun it wasn't fun to be in that environment and so what we have here is a process that we go through every day in our interactions from the cab driver that gives you a lift to the airport all the way to the important projects and initiatives that you're working on and what I want to invite you to think about is this a this is part of life there's no graduation so we can only get better two steps forward one step back but to be aware that this process happens is a skill and to actually go to the brain and say thank you for that story I now know I have a story about what just happened and to hold this story like a balloon hold a tentative before you believe it as a fact before you actually go that's what happened they wanted to hurt me they wanted to make fool of me or they want it to be right or I got to win all these stories that we have before you make it factual hold it like a bubble Thank You brain for telling me a story hold it like a bubble and the second thing I want you to think about is the power that we have to choose and as Victor Frankel's said in man's search for meaning when everything is taken from a man is one thing that remains the power to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance and it ain't easy when you're in the middle of a crucial conversation and the feelings of their and you're ready in opposition with each other and you care about what's going on and so this is a very crucial self empowerment tool to be aware that I have a choice to recognize that this is happening to me on a daily basis in my interactions and I can choose to hold on to that story as a tentative thing until I go into that conversation and explore more about what's happening so I can get the outcomes that I want