and so before we went in to do some training and work with them on improving their skills we sat down with them and did some interviews and we wanted to talk with each of the team members to say why do you think this team is stuck and as we asked and we discussed and we did these interviews there was a theme that kept coming up and what we kept hearing was the terms skilled incompetence never heard that before skilled and competence which is that unseen motive drives our behavior as much as we like to say that it's hidden that it doesn't come out that it drives our behavior now I was sharing this example with with a group a couple of years ago and a woman came up to me at a break and she says you missed a part of the story I said what do you mean she says all teenagers are liars [Laughter] okay Factor story right okay Factor story that how you handle that first 30 seconds of that conversation will predict pretty well how the rest of the conversation goes your first job in crucial conversations is to create psychological safety people have to know two things to feel that safety where do you think I got this crucial conversation this is a real cushion sorry kids okay your house there's summer you're saying that's my house right okay this actually is from a home from a house but it's actually from the House of Representatives okay skills but I'm just gonna suggest to you that listening has to be paired with patience he said I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife apparently do whatever the blank you want doesn't mean what I thought call me Steve I'm a near there you could have an effect on turnover of his team team engagement sometimes we like to separate talking and crucial conversations with results but the more and more we look at organizations the more and more we see this close tie but if you care about the relationship and you want it to continue to improve then you have a responsibility to continue each day to say okay it's not easy and maybe they're not going to try to go to dialogue with me but what do I really want to accomplish well maybe today what I really want to accomplish is just to make a little headway are there people out there during that ten percent of the time where a lot of us are struggling and aren't at our best that are and what are the skills they're using what are they doing differently and could I use them could each of us use them those of us that feel like I wasn't born with the strength to communicate well could I use those skills could I benefit from them and the answer is yes the answer is you absolutely can we found that these skills are things that are learn about are repeatable observable that you can do them and get the same results